2007 Feline Files Summary Report

Winter—After years of living with our human servant … err … companion (must remember our new social sensitivity training) in solitude, she has acquired a new male companion. He seems basically acceptable at this point. His first installation was a magnificent multi-level cardboard and shelving pieces of art. It contained a new variety of hiding spaces and cozy sleeping nooks. He also seems to be amendable to filling our food dishes when ever they seem to be empty.

Although he does need further feline domestic living training, he has an unacceptable habit of scaring the catnip out of me during the nighttime hours by petting or scratching me while I am lurking in the dark or sleeping on the uppermost perches without any difficulty. I have tried fluffing my fur at him and even lowered myself to hissing once. He has a strange immunity to my laser like glare. I have tried to explain this to the female human, but after years of linguistic lessons, she still does not understand basic Meow. I am currently using a suggestion from Feline to Human Social Sensitivity Training Manual and implementing the following tacks:

  • Vocal demands for attention with obstacles between the two of us.
  • Actively ignoring him by walking into a room, eyeballing him, and then displaying my tail in his general direction.
  • Sleep on or play with his pet “mouse”. (Although why they call that plastic thing with an impossibly long tail a mouse, I have no idea. According to our data, a mouse is small furry creature meant to be chased and consumed with a vicious delight.)

At this point he seems more amused than anything. His training will continue. Hopefully we can bring things up to an acceptable level.

Note to Research and Development: Can you please provide samples of catnip to us? We are starting to believe that this substance is completely a myth.

Spring—I am embarrassed to report that all attempts to train the new companion are not working. Rather than keeping the newly created structure, he has systematically changed, moved, and/or removed this delightful contraption. On top of everything our wonderful female companion is following suit. I am starting to come to the conclusion that these might be signs that the world might be ending. “We” will consult our current manual for further information and tactical suggestions.

In other developments, I believe that the R&D have finally delivered samples of the “mythical” catnip. They seem to have chosen our new male companion as their tool of implementation. All confusion aside, catnip is the divine herb of the Gods. After experiencing catnip’s gentle intoxication, I can say that further experimentation is required. I may find leniency in the human male’s training.

Note to the Department of Improper Behavior: All nefarious reports of cut lines of catnip on the kitchen floor are complete and total fabrications of the feeble human mind and imagination. Please remove this notation in our files and continue supplying the male human with this divine herbage for our consumption.

Summer—The horror continues … The female companion that had been mostly trained to tolerable levels has continue to change things in the home. She has taken to baking the first weekend of the month. From our translations, she is the Chief Cook, Food Organizer, and Bottle Washer for a Women’s Spiritual Group. I am not sure if she realizes the disruptions this is causing in our routine living patterns, but she considers it an honor and enjoys this additional “work”.

The male seems to be adjusting, but continues to cause interference in the order of things. Scratching and petting me while I am sleeping seems to be his favorite pastime. I do not believe has any idea how distracting that is. His current and only redeeming quality is that he is our source of catnip.

Toward the end of the summer, the female companion suffered from an extreme shift in moods. According to our records, her father’s mother lost the last of her nine lives. The gushing of salted water from her face was not the best conditioner for fur. In addition, this caused even more stress in our lives because both of our servants … err … companions (I understand that they prefer this reference than others) left us completely alone. Our boredom was relieved by a strange but nice man that filled our food dished to a far superior level that what is our standard rationing. He also has excellent ear scratching skills. If he did not smell like the dreaded subspecies known to the general public as dog, we might consider a change of companionship.

Note to Signs and Foresight Interpretations Division: Please coordinate our calendar to the timing of the End of All Nine Lives. From the ranting and raving in our household, we may need to change the timing of certain events. Please advise.

Autumn—The mayhem and disruption continue … with a positive side note. Our loving female companion seems to have given up this thing called a job to take up full time ear scratching. Although she seems very distressed by this, both myself and my senior feline cohabitant are delighted with this turn of events. If nothing else this will provide the necessary time for remedial Meow lessons.

The male companion has finally reached some acceptable levels of training. He managed to care for us with some degree of skill when our female left us unattended yet again after a bought of “waterworks”.

Then to our absolute astonishment we were left without civilized assistance for an entire week. After several visits by the nice but strange man, that truly understands our appetite for food, they finally returned. (We need to look into his background, he does have possibilities as cat companion for our more tolerant kin.) From our interpretations this time, her father lost his ninth life also. For this we also do grieve, he was most entertaining in his attempts to receive attention from us and an excellent ear scratcher.

Winter—From our observations, there is snow on the ground again and that means it is time to complete this report. A few notes on the new male companion’s feline training, he seems to be supportive of our female and for that we are eternally grateful. He also seems to be very apt at absorbing the excessive salt water from our female. He has reached the levels of “Above Average Ear Scratcher” and show signs of progress. He seems to find amusement in assisting us play with the yarn our female companion has taken to knitting into various shapes. Strangely, our female doesn’t like this new game.

In addition, I would like to let our superiors know that my senior feline cohabitant, Scamp, has not assisted in this report in any way. She seemed to be almost accepting of all of these events. She is ambivalent of our treatment and becoming one of those lazy lap cats.

Most humbly and sincerely,
Cat Cohabitant, Junior

PS—Please forward my order for additional grooming supplies as my fur is in the most horrible condition due to salt water.

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